Dear Mom;

I know it isn’t, much but I’ve decided to write you a little letter to tell you everything you mean to me. I was looking for cards for you the other day, something that you would like, and that could get my point across but wasn’t to mushy. It’s a hard compromise to make. So I said to myself  “Self, why not make her a card?” But then I was thinking about it today, and I’m not the most poetic.

So here I am writing you a letter, something I probably haven’t done since I stopped believing in Santa *wink*. To express in words everything that you are to me would be like trying to fill the grand canyon one grain of sand at a time, but I’m going to try.

Everything I love about myself comes from you. My eyes, my ability to smile and laugh at myself. My perseverance, and ability to tell myself “It’ll all turn out in the end”. You taught me everything about life, from the most basic things like tying my laces and saying my ABC’s to much more complex things. Loving myself, simply because you love me, and complete understanding of others. You are the one who taught me about independence, and how to stand for myself. and that, I’m happy. you trust my opinion and always keep an open mind to what I have to say, not many adults have that respect for kids. You always listen to me and allow me to make my own mistakes. I’m sure you’ve watched me walk into situations that you knew were going to hurt, but the thing that lets me know how much you care is that you let me go into them. Had I been totally sheltered from life I’d never learn, and when life pushed me around you always gave me your shoulder and ear, and the strength to push back. I’ve always pulled through.

Remember grade 1 and Miss Arriola? How I’d cry because of her? She locked me in the closet? You always listened to me then, even though, looking back I realize my qualms were so frivolous. Your so self-less, it amazes me. I asked you SO MANY times what you wanted for mothers day but you couldn’t think of your wants! “Save your money….Don’t spend too much”!  It’s so hard to find something this year because I realized, that I don’t give you as much credit as you deserve, flowers don’t do you justice. I want to pamper you, I want to hire an astronaut to write how much I love you on the moon.

I can’t express in words what you give to me without even knowing it. Your doing an amazing job being my mother, and I don’t think I tell you enough. I feel as though I take you for granted sometimes, and maybe you even take yourself for granted.

So today is your one day a year to be spoiled, one measly little day to focus on you rather then everyone else, when you’ve given every day of your life for the past 30(ish) years to me. I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. I don’t even want to imagine it. We’re growing old together and I wouldn’t have it any other way. So happy mothers day, I hope you enjoy it, and now you know that I can write more then 50 words about what you mean to me.

I don’t need an essay contest to tell you though. (549 words)

Mom I love you with every fibre of my being.

You need more then 24 hours.

Happy Mothers Day !

I’ll always have you to thank for everything I am.

Love you every day of the year

Your son, Titit

My thoughts and opinions on Davey Wavey’s post.

Ok, Its my off today and prolly tomorrow, my coleague’s gonna ask me (again) what did I do last night. with a matching devilish smile.  See, I may be gay but that doesn’t mean that I have to sleep with everybody. Ok, men are sexually driven not obsessed. (well maybe to some) I can’t speak for all gay men but I do think being fascinated by sex and being promiscuous are separate. It’s natural to enjoy sex and want to explore. I’ll agree different expectations and options available can cause us to act differently.

I don’t go out and have sex every day. And that’s what everyone else (mostly the church think we do) They think we are sex crazed and we go out to the gay bar everyday and get banged! Yes, unfortunately there are people that totally reflect the gay stereotype, but the rest of us know that we are just like normal peeps, were just gay, and yes, men are more sexuality active then women but we can still choose not to have sex even tho we want to! When it comes down to it though I believe we each choose what we do in life. Obsession and promiscuity are two separate things. You can be deeply sexual and be selective or monogamous.

haynaku!! Ive said this before and Ill say it again….whether you believe me or not, i dont care……I am a faithful partner.

My sweet hubby, we have made it to another year! I don't know how it is possible that we are at that year mark already. Crazy how time flies. I can honestly say that it's been another year of happiness and love which I want to thank you for. I'm also proud to say that I am officially your longest relationship (hehe) and I hope we have many more years to celebrate. You are such a good person: smart, funny, adorable, caring, every good quality a guy usually looks for in another guy. I won't say that every day is a ray of sunshine but I can say we have had more happy days than sad. Our so-called “union” is a huge blessing and I thank God for giving me such a wonderful partner to love. Here's to forever! I am very lucky to have you not only in my life but as my bestfriend as well. I love you very much.

Happy Anniversary Hubby ko!

Thanks to all our friends and family who greeted and participated in our simple celebration. It really meant a lot to us. A BIG Thank you to Mareng Mocca,  Camille (my sister) and Mabs,  my former band mates (Eight and a Half family), my Flava family, And to those whom we failed to mention…well, you know who you are…..anyway, thanks once again from the bottom of our hearts.

Pierre+Angelo

It's funny how someone in your life can just vanish all of a sudden. One's smile is taken for granted. You believe you will always have the chance to hug them and have their warm flesh comfort you. That you will always be able to hear their words. Such a luxury is that of normal life. But life, I'm afraid, isn't forever.

At 5:30pm 6/4/10 (Philippines) our Aunt, Luz Cortez Abatayo, went to be with her Savior. She went peacefully and painlessly. We all grieve, but we have hope. We rejoice with her — and we eagerly anticipate our reunion with her someday.

I like to think of it as a “freedom” for our dearest aunt — from a body wracked by cancer and life in a broken world.

Sadly, she didn’t make it on her birthday but we like to think that she celebrated a life well-lived — and a recognition that it is not death to die, that we can still rejoice.

My cousin Khaye wrote a poem for our beloved aunt  called “Auntie Luz” The words beautifully capture our last several months with her — and are included below.

Auntie Luz

it must be hard to know your days are numbered.
you must think about this on your quiet moments.
i dont even know if you get to sleep well.
you must be thinking of what's gonna happen
when you finally go.
will your grandchildren forget you?
will they turn out to be good men?
how is my children gonna handle it when im gone?
well, your legacy will live on.
you have raised them well.
you are the kind of mother,
who would do anything for her children.
i am thankful to have been a part of your life.
i am thankful that i got to witness your smile,
your unique ways of mothering.
i just want to be there for you.
i just want to hold your hand.
i just want to help you in ways
that some people say im good at.
i want you to know you will be missed.
but you will also be remembered.
for everytime i get to see your kids,
i will be reminded of you
and of what kind of person and mother you are.
for i understand that if its hard
for the people thats being left behind,
it must be more painful to be the one leaving.
but we are going to be okay.
there will come a time
that when memories of you arise,
we will not be crying
but will be smiling
because we were fortunate enough
to have known you,to have witnessed
your laugh and your love.
you will forever be remembered
because of the life that you have lived.
we will take comfort in knowing
that you are in a much better place
where theres no suffering.
look down upon us
guide us, as we complete
our journey here on earth
to where you are now,
in the arms of the angels.....

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

[***Disclaimer: If you are single...don't tune me out.  Read to the end.  There's some good application for you at the very end...and try not to gag in the meantime]

Today is mine and hubby’s monthsary.  My hubby and I have been together for quite sometime now and  It's hard to believe that the time has gone by so quickly, yet at the same time it feels as though we have been together forever.  It feels right.  It has since the beginning.

Many years ago I didn't believe in soul-mates.  I wasn't sure if God had one person planned out for each of us. But when I met Hubby, my perspective on this took on a transformation.  It feels too right for it to be some sort of coincidence or "good match".  It feels like destiny...what I was made for.  I was made for him, and he for me.

I used to believe that singleness was the "better route".  Don't get me wrong, I had a strong desire for gay marriage, but I always wondered whether or not I was sacrificing my relationship with God in order to be with him.  I'm glad my perspective changed on this topic, because in our commitment I have found depth to my relationship with God that I could have never imagine existed.

Two are better than one in so many ways.  First of all, my hubby encourages me.  He picks me up when I am down.  He fuels my spiritual and emotional fire when it feels like burning out.  He makes me laugh when I am sad, and challenges me to keep going when my strength has run out.

Secondly, my hubby sharpens me.  He is the mirror I need to see my flaws...some flaws I would have never been able to see alone.  Because, deep down we all think we're perfect.  We need someone to give us a reality check every now and again and gently remind us of who we really are.

Thirdly, my hubby loves me for me.  His love is the most tangible thing I have ever experienced (aside from the Lord and my parents)   He challenges me to love him in this kind of way.  To love severely, selflessly, richly, and fully.  To love with no strings attached.  To love the way our Lord God loved us...giving everything so willingly and without reservation.

Now that I am comitted, I feel that my love have found a new avenue for growth.  The beauty of this companionship, though, is that it isn't limited to just our relationship.  In fact, it shouldn't be.  Whether single or married we need people in our lives to encourage us, to sharpen us, and to love us. 

And for those of you who are surrounded by community, but single...and waiting....continue to wait.  There is nothing more glorious than being comitted/married to the right person.  But there is nothing more miserable than being together with  the wrong person.  Lives shattered, destroyed, and broken because they settled for less than best. So wait for the best.  Wait for the best because you are worth it.  Wait for the best because you deserve it.  Wait for the best because it's out there and in God's perfect timing, you too, will experience this kind of companionship.

And for those of you who are happily in love...take time today for a monthsary/anniversary of sorts.  Take time today to remember and cherish the gift that God has given you in your partner.  Take time today to encourage them, to sharpen them, and to love them.  And take the time to let them know. 

I love you Pierre Kristian.  Happy Monthsary my hubby-kins.

“Gays shouldn’t be discriminated against in terms of occupation and other aspects.  I’m not prepared to support it (gay marriage)”

-Noynoy Aquino

So let me try to understand what he’s saying… Does he want Christians to remain judgmental and hateful towards gays in terms of this undying issue? This is what I want to see change.

I love the Church. I am not terribly fond of some of the people who presume to speak on behalf of God by saying He hates fags.

Of course God cares if you are gay or not, if you are a man or a woman, if you cry or you smile. Because we were created in His own image he ought to care about his creation. What man builds himself a house and leaves it to go to nothing – he undergoes maintanance so that the house is in good state. Just like God: he undergoes maintenance work on us to be as He intended us to be.

God is Love and as what I’ve said we are created in His likeness so how can we be wrong? I grew up in a Christian home and I am a Born Again Christian… and gay. It took me a long time to realize that it was okay. It was who God made me to be and wanted me to be, for a reason. I try to live my life to make Him proud and also show that it’s okay to be who you were created to be. It’s awesome being loved by my Lord and no longer feeling like I am a mistake or an evil sinner.

I guess, let’s put a “halt” on those prejudicial crap. So, whatever works for each individual to bring them closer to inner peace, friendship, caring and kindness, including LOVE and all those good things that are Godlike, is fine.

Just let them be. Let them express their love without the society pulling their asses down.  Who are we to break up a loving couple? Spread the love, not the hate.

Let’s say AMEN to that!

I lied... specifically to myself. All this time I've been pretending that I'm  okay. That I'm actually moving forward. I've been distracting myself with a lot of non-sense mainly because I've been avoiding a lot of things.

I've been avoiding answers.

The 5-w's have been hovering in my mind all these months (who what where when why), but the stubborn old me just didn't want to deal with all of it.

I had to wait this late, days before my departure, to get up the courage and get the answers to the questions that have been haunting me all these times. Thankfully I have amazing friends, bandmates, family and a supportive boyfriend that pushed me to initiate my move.

And thank the heavens I did. Otherwise, I would've painfully regretted not doing so.

So here I am finding myself in a bittersweet bliss. I got answers alright. Some were good, some not-so good, some were surprising, and some were great. It made me realize that I wasn't going crazy, blind or delusional. It helped me find out where I stand, and where I'm heading in this insane world.

And now I can't stop smiling. I'm laughing for no reason. I'm... happy and relieved at the same time. As if a big weight has been lifted off of my chest. I feel... whole. I guess finally... this time... the healing can begin.

The feelings of disappointment, bitterness, pain and betrayal are still there. And they're still strong. But I have to make a decision. A smart decision. Right now I truly need to take care of myself and the people I love. I need to fix things, not just within me, but around me. I need to pursue the things that I truly love.

But damn, I'd be a big fat liar if I say that I dont hate you.

And I'd be fooling myself if I say I will be ok.

Good luck with this new chapter in your life. You made a choice.  You chose to be an unfaithful DAD.

“The best of romances deserves second chances” –Peabo Bryson

Of course it's not bad. Just realize that there is a limit to how many chances you should give before getting used. Say if he did cheat on you and you at some point accept him back, and he betrays you again, well...it's time to dump his sorry a**. Like others have said, it really depends on the circumstances for the break. if it was a situation where he/she cheated on you, or was abusive, then i'd say no, no second chance allowed.

Otherwise I think it could be very mature of you to both want to work it out. if it was something like you both have some personal issues to figure out, and you just need some time apart, then i'd see no problem with a second chance in that kind of situation. I am hoping if this is what you are doing, that I wish you the best of luck.

*****

My boyfriend & I had been together for quite sometime.  Since were countries-apart from each other and since we cant enjoy each others company, (based on his confession) He decided to get a drink & hang out with his friends……… without my knowledge. Yet, before I left Philippines, he promised that there will be no drinking while I’m away.

But the fact is that he didnt keep his word and has done so many things aside from the drinking session. The confession was so intense that it ended up breaking my heart because of some things which I can’t mention in here.

I knew I couldn't just cut this boy out of my life because of this mistake. It then occurred to me for the first time that I was too in love with him to let him go. If I had, it would've been the greatest mistake of my life.

Fast forward later in our relationship. He hasn't touched any liquor since that night. He remembers how he hurt me. Well, my boyfriend and I agreed to give our relationship another try. Our time apart made us realize how much we both really cared about each other. I'm so glad I gave this one a second chance :)

If you were in my position, would you have given him a second chance? Have you ever given someone a second chance & had it turn out for the best?

Psychologists call this behavior projection. People tend to believe that others will behave in the same ways that they themselves would.  I agree in the sense that we are using the term jealousy. i’ve noticed that in business the same thing happens. people who are constantly worried about being cheated are the ones who would consider cheating others. Its also like “The guy who points fingers and yells “Fag” at others is generally the most closeted ‘mo in the room”. parang ganun. heheh. Kristine and I had this mind-blowing conversation at YM and thought sharing with you guys would be great. Here it goes….

kasi, for me if a person is giving you reasons and hints to become jealous it would be a factor also that over time. jan na lalabas ang pagiging selosa…and if your partner cheated before and u are betrayed of course mawawalan ka ng tiwala….and you'll become suspicious and insecure then you nag. and getting jealous at the same time with probable cause or wala.--- Kristine

Personally, though, when I worry about someone I love being with someone else I can’t say it’s jealousy. I mean, you’re jealous of another person who owns or takes something you want or think you should have. but you can’t own your lover: they have to give themselves away– no one can take them without their participation. how could I be angry at or jealous of the other person they’ve chosen?

but yeah, I do worry about them finding someone they would prefer to me, and wanting to be with that person more. but I don’t think that’s exactly the same as jealousy. sometimes, for whatever reason, maybe things that happen to us as children, even, people are insecure, and afraid of being abandoned. I know I am. I wish I weren’t, and I’m on the path to being stronger in that way and in others, but right now, there it is.

and I love someone who is younger than I am, and no matter how secure you are I think that makes you feel incredibly vulnerable.

maybe for some of us it takes a lot more reassurance that it does for others. maybe our partners have to just tell us and show us more, and try not to frame it in terms of suspicion and trust. you can’t blame an african violet for needing to be watered more often than a cactus. maybe a cactus is what you want, but if you love those fragile blue flowers you have to give them what they need. and of course, vice versa.

My simple equation on the subject:

Suspicion = lack of trust.

Jealousy = lack of self-confidence.

I have always wished that I could change the world ; and Ok, I can't, but I can change myself in order to help change the world. Right? Bytheway, this has nothing to do with any of those New Years resolution crap.

I would change

• The thought that being Gay is wrong
• The way people discriminate against peoples race, colour, especially sexual orientation
• Myself

So, what am I going to do ... Well, from now on I will take 20 minutes or more a day to think about myself, my future and the love of my life and just be a little bit selfish - because the truth is, we don't think about us enough do we? and we never spoil ourselves.

I would change my perspective on life, because in the end we all are going to die, and we only get one chance to live, so enjoy it, maximize your potentials, love life!

What are you going to do? How can you and what would you change? Think about it!